Seasons of Growth

Winter ’05 (December, January, February)

Winter is a season associated with death and hibernation.  The winter of ’05 was when my marriage received its final death blow.  I went back in forth in my mind about what I wanted to do and after lots of thought (added to previous thoughts I already had been thinking) I decided that the best thing, for not only me but my ex, was for us to part ways.  I mean he thought I just gave up, but I didn’t it was a hard decision.  A very hard one, because I loved him and because it would mean I would have to admit that my decision to marry him was not a good one.  I will always maintain it was the best decision for my life and why it was a painful one, with all the name calling and accusatory rants I went through almost daily at one point; the decision about parting ways was the RIGHT ONE BABY.  My confirmation comes today, I know I am happier than I have ever been and I hope and pray that he is just as happy.  I don’t regret the 6 years spent with my ex.  He was a truly talented artist and a good man to me most of the time.  I just realized I settled.  He loved me with all his heart and I never doubted that and I think that was part of the reason I agreed to marry him.  I mean I loved him but I was not in the kind of love I think you need to be in when you get married.  I don’t really know what kind of love that is, but whatever love that was ours wasn't that kind.  I think my independent spirit will require me to be in love in love, because unlike some women security is not an issue for me.  I think some marriages become loveless and the people stay together for the security, you know just to have that one person to come home to or take care of or to be taken care of.  I decided that I didn’t want to be one of those women, who decided to stay married because life alone scared me.  I took my vows seriously and was trying to stay committed to them, however when the final blow came, it was a breach of contract that let me know I shouldn’t be married just because I was married or because I was in love with the MRS.  I know God hates divorce however I was justified in my divorce both spiritually and secularly.  So no matter what information my ex is spreading that gets back to me these days, I know we both know who broke what first. So my winter of ’05 was the end of one life and the beginning of a new one, the right life for me. 

Winter ’05 gets a big fat D+.  It sucked but sometimes the storm has to blow through so the rainbow can shine!

Spring (March, April, May)

Spring was a good time.  After I spent sometime beating myself up about if I made the right decision (early spring), I got to a point where I knew I made the right decision.  I walked away from my house in the spring.  Not because I left my marriage as my ex maintains, because I didn’t want to be petty about material things.  I mean I think if I really was spiteful and vindictive I would have made it so NO ONE could have lived in OUR house (now his house).  I however, decided not to.   I just thought it very childish.  In these months I found out the extent of my ex’s childishness and the depth at which I hurt him by leaving.  He would read these blogs (and probably still does) and then send me all this accusatory e-mail about what I was doing and how I was this and that and hate, hate, hate!  Hating is so unattractive; hateration looks good on NO ONE.  Anyway I spent the spring getting my groove back.  The benefits of SWAT PT aka Boot Camp began showing and I was back in the mix.  I really love to people watch so going out kicking it with the crew was a great way to ease myself back into the single scene.  However, I also forgot how hard the single scene could be sometimes.  Spring was the first time I got my feelings really hurt by someone, however being me I didn’t learn from the hurt.  I instead dug my heels in and ended up letting a “friend” treat me like an enemy.  Maybe it was me reaping some of what I had sewn or maybe it was this friend being a complete self-centered asshole who only cared about one person, themselves.  I like to think it was the later; however I realize that nothing is black and white and we are all culpable in our messy situations because we can remove ourselves from things that aren't good for us.  Spring is about growing and growing is what I did in the spring.  The thing I learned about growing is that it HURTS like hell, I mean I think that’s why when we physically grow it happens when we are sleeping, because it hurts so much and it is really tiring.  I sleep a lot when I am depressed but maybe that’s because I am really growing and not depressed.  The spring was a great time for me though, even with the drama in my life.  I have a rule (pretty new one) but when  a situation happens, I ask myself will this really matter in 6 months.  It’s a great rule because it immediately puts my life into perspective.  In the spring many things happened that I thought sucked, however as I stand here almost a year later  one thing that happened to me during the spring really sucked big time.  Maybe I remember it because it was my birthday or maybe I remember it because it was a really sucky thing to do, whatever the reason I remember and it has definitely shaped how I deal with people, today. 

I learned in the spring that some people are incapable of being truthful with you, or themselves, even when they are given a completely open and non-judgmental space to do those things.  In the spring I ignored my favorite Maya Angelou quote “When someone shows you who they are believe them!”  Someone showed me exactly who they were but I made excuses for them.  So here, almost a year later I realized that first showing of the azz  was truly indeed who this person was, man I could have saved myself a lot of heart ache, liquor, and true friendship if I would have just dismissed this person the FIRST time they were careless with my feelings.  Oh well I know better now fo’sho!

Spring ’05 gets a C.  It was about growing.  With lots of growing comes… lots of pain.  I think a C is representative of not to good not to bad, but very necessary in my journey! Very necessary.  I also switched jobs in the spring…but more on that in the summer.

Summer (June, July, August)

Summer ’05 was good.  There is still some growing going on, but not like teething, this growing was more like my adult teeth coming in.  Uncomfortable but needed.  I spent the summer on my workout GRIND.  6 days a week…3 times SWAT 2 time Rep Reebok…a 3 mile run on Saturday mornings and sometimes stadium stairs.  I was on a mission (a mission I recently got back on).  In the summer I forced myself to learn to enjoy Monique.  Just me by myself, I rediscovered the joy of going places by myself.  I forced myself to say no to people and be by myself.  That was the best thing I learned in the summer choosing you over others.  The summer left me with the epiphany that you must put yourself first to a degree.  Not at the cost of others' feelings but I definitely got in touch with who I am.  The inner me and the outer me met and guess what we love each other.  Late in the summer was when I had my first real romantic friendship.  Da Law came on full force and we began a very hot steamy long distance friendship over the backdrop of the world ending (OK the world wasn’t ending, but it was my friendship with the law that had me all up close and personal and in the Katrina mix.  He lived in Baton Rouge).  The friendship with the Da Law showed me two things, what it felt like to be appreciated and two I wasn’t dead yet.  The relationship was brief kinda like a flash fire.  Quick and hot and sure it burned me but it was not flaming long enough to leave a scar.  Da Law and I still are friends and we talk from time to time make sure each other is doing OK.  I thank Da law for two things he showed me the flaws in others I made excuses for and he confirmed that men are still full of shyt.  LOL

On the job front, I hated my new job with a vengeance, however when I gave my resignation they tried to counter offer me. To be wanted professionally like that is great.  I work hard at being good at my job, so that felt good but not as good as my old job asking me to come back and run some shyt! Man LOOK AT THAT RAINBOW…its beautiful.

Summer ’05 gets a B-.  I mean things are looking better and my life is settling into itself.  I am becoming more comfortable with the new single Monique.  There is still ex bullshyt going on which prevents me from having an A summer, but it still is a great summer none the less. 

Fall (September, October, November)

Man…fall is where its At! LOL!  I came to two realizations in the fall, well I guess really one and it was Phuck these FOOLS <edited for cross-cultural readers- cause I really said phuck these niccas! In the spirit of Richard Pryor. RIP man> !  Anyway, I begin to slowly realize that the only people I had room for in my life were people who wanted to reciprocate my feelings , weather it was love, friendship, or favoritism.  If you can’t be a friend back to me I DON’T NEED YOU! Friendship is about give and take and the takers got to go!  I was able to have a successfully mediation with the ex and not go to court and fight over stupid shyt.  I also finally believed who someone was after the 30,000,000,000,087 time of them showing me who they were.  It just clicked for me one day and I realized that all the credit I gave my friend was just that credit.  So I sat on it and just observed and took notes, and then I wondered why I was fighting to be friends with someone who didn’t value my friendship at all.  Hell, if its not that important to them why is it so important to me?   The blatant “I think you are a mark azz trick, Monique” behavior got worse and worse.  I mean it was ridiculous.  So one day, I got up and said they got one more time, and guess what didn’t even take a week.  The gave me more of the famous bullshyt, so I was done. 

The thing about me which has been true for many years, I am extremely nice almost to a fault, however once I decide I am through.  I am done.  Not mad or anything, I just become devoid of feelings.  I am stubborn and pretty much once I decide I have done all I can do, I’m done.  Especially if I know I did nothing wrong.  I mean I am not one of those people who will curse you out if I see you or hang up on you if you call, however once I see for real, for real you don’t give a phuck about me I’m done.  Sure, you will get common courtesy, but as far as me going out of my way for you. FORGET ABOUT IT!!  After all, I have spent several years of my life not speaking to either of my parents at different times.  I mean they both told me don’t even bother talking to them when I went to live with the other.  So I didn’t.  So if I can not speak to the people who gave me life, what does that tell you about some random person that I share a limited history with.  I know I'm  crazy.  However, if you going tell me some stupid shyt like don't talk to you, then I am going to do it.

I never realized what a drain that friendship was on me until I let it go.  One-sided friendships will drain you kind of like a bad alternator.  The battery doesn’t lose power completely but eventually it can no longer build its own charge back up.  So good thing I found the problem before my battery died.  Now don’t get me wrong, I still love the person, but I wouldn’t say they were ever a real friend to me.  The offered a little more support than a work associate might have.  I mean, I work in a company with 1000’s of employees so I don’t need another work associate type friendship! I got plenty of those.  I only have room in my life for people who care about me and demonstrate they care.  My sister even called me and asked me about my situation.  She wanted to know why I was mad, and I was like “Niecey I’m not mad.  I’m done.  I don’t have time or energy to deal with anyone who doesn’t know how to be my friend.  If they want to be my friend they will make the effort because I have done more than most friends.  If they think I’m playing, ask what’s his face (my ex) what it feels like once I am done.”  That is all I have to say about that.  I thought she would have retort but she was like, you know that makes perfect sense.   

Fall ’05 gets an A.  I was able to rid myself of people who were negative draws on my energy.  The takers had to go in fall ‘05.   I also learned Maya’s quote for real.  If only I had cut the cord back in the spring, because the glimpse I got of someone was exactly who they were, it wasn't a mistake.  Damn!! However, I realize I was not emotionally strong enough to cut the cord sometimes we have to grow strong.  I mean if my ex hadn’t did what he did, I probably would still be married and miserable trying to figure out how to fix a severely damaged marriage.  Things are going well for me personally and professionally I tied up loose ends.  I think I am really happy like in my soul happy.  I think people can tell.  I am looking at my rainbow and the colors are burning my eyes they are so vivid!

Winter ’06 (December, January, February)

Well here we are about to step into a new year.  There have been a few things that have happened recently that remind me winter is still about dying, but there are also a few things that remind me that things still begin in the winter, you know like the new year.  Bulbs also get planted in Houston in the winter.  I think I've got a few bulbs planted for a fabulous springtime bouquet.

All and all this has been a really good year.  I’ve lost some weight (physically, emotionally, and relationally).  I‘ve learned to love me first.  I’ve learned to give a little and wait in return for someone to show you they know how to return friendship.  I’ve learned just how much my girls got my back.  I love you Buschick, Mandana, Black Beauty, Veronica, and Tressa!  Thanks Rob, my brother from another mother, you have really helped me out this year! I appreciate ya!   I learned about my temperament and I have learned that I am and should always be my best friend!  2005, like any other year has had its highs and lows, but as I have been saying for a few months now …my future feels like there are endless possibilities and I am ready to take them on!  Everyone have a safe New Year’s Eve and I will see you next year FO’ SHO’! Stayed tuned because I am about to rock this!

Be EZ,

OG